IF I COULD TALK TO THE ANIMALS, WOULD I EVENTUALLY COME TO RESENT IT AS JUST MORE NOISE I WISH I COULD IGNORE?

 

Garages have come on in leaps and bounds in recent years in terms of sophistication, no longer being just jumble sales that sell petrol. I still think they should essentially serve as way-stations on a journey, providing provisions for genuine travellers rather than just locals in their pyjamas who can't be bothered to go to a proper supermarket. Modern garages are, in my opinion, inconsistent in terms of providing either a small shop or big shop experience, so it's all a bit confusing. I very much like a Slushy while I'm on the road, for instance, but can't envisage under what circumstances I might attempt an in-car Pot Noodle. 

What I most regret about the loss of the gleeful chaos of the old model is the disappearance of media, particularly wire baskets piled high with an eclectic, incomprehensible selection of discontinued VHS tapes, all marked at discount prices, and covering such subjects as Great Golf Goofs, Secrets Of Female Erotic Ecstasy, David Carradine's Tai Chi Workout and Telepathic Communications With Animals. These haphazard and totally unpredictable delights made great presents for whoever you were on the way to see.

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it, and my best wishes to all who don't. 

See you in (checks chart) 2026!

EVERYDAY ELECTRONICS

 

018: Cable & Pipe Locator

AN APOLOGY

In my last post about Quest, I referenced a cosmic chess playing alien gorilla, but neglected to share a screenshot of this entity. This was wrong, and I can only apologise. 

SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING

 

Quest, d. Elaine & Saul Bass (USA, 1984)

On an arid alien planet there is a cave where people live their entire lives in only eight days (although the days do seem quite long and a lot happens in them). After a day of training, a gifted boy is sent out into the world to open a distant gate that will allow his people to emerge into the light and enjoy a more practical life span. Danger, adventure, lasers and a cosmic chess game with an angry gorilla ensue.

Written by Ray Bradbury, directed by the Basses, and made with all the care, attention, imagination and vision that both of those things entail, Quest may be the greatest sci fi short of all time. Actually, I'm going to call it: it is the greatest sci fi short of all time. Please don't write in, I am so unswayable on this I won't even move my eyes across your correspondence. 

SPARKS FLY

The Blue Jean Monster, d. Kai-Ming Lai (Hong Kong, 1991) 

A grumpy police officer dies when he is buried under steel bars and cables while pursuing a Triad gang, only to be reanimated as a supernatural entity who lives on electricity and has a burning desire for revenge against the criminals who were responsible for his death. 

It's all over the place, as you might expect from a film that could be described as a horror comedy sci-fi action movie. The best bit is at the end, when sparks fly, and all the bad guys die.

TWEET

 

FOLK COSTUMES OF THE WORLD

002: USSR

The woman on the left is from Moldavia. The woman on the right is dressed in the costume from Georgia.

From Folk Costumes of the World (1978) by Robert Harrold. Illustration by Phyllida Legg.

AND SIR JOHN GIELGUD...

One of the things I really like about US TV movies of the 1970s (all I watch now, you know) is the eclectic range of actors that appear in them. The slow decline of the Hollywood studio system led to scores of out of contract thespians, many of them quite famous, few of them totally unknown, but most not quite what they once were. 

Not everyone in show business can be a megastar forever, of course, just as not everyone in a hospital can be a surgeon, or everyone in the army can be a hero. It's the natural way of things, and it's often quite arbitrary. TV movies of this era not only provided steady employment for everyone but they threw the star system in the air and totally rearranged it on a weekly basis, as well as providing a quick payday for big names with a few free days and a swimming pool to pay for.

Originally broadcast by the NBC network as a pilot, Probe (1972) is a glossy detective drama with science fiction elements that didn't result in a series. It stars Hugh O'Brian, a big handsome guy (apparently chiselled out of wood) who was most famous for playing Wyatt Earp on TV, but the true attraction is the ensemble cast. 

Amongst others, we have a European sex-symbol (Sommer), a double Oscar nominee (Meredith), a leading man of 1940s b-movies (Smith), the guy who played Davy Jones' Grandad on The Monkees (Wright), and one of Britain's Holy Trinity of 20th century theatrical knights, Sir John Gielgud. Sir John is a hoot throughout and seems to be having the time of his life, doing all sorts of cool stuff, including, at one point, being machine gunned. Good times.

OH, LUMME!

In American TV Movies, nothing says you have arrived in England more than a badly put together sign and a random red bus. Only bettered if paired with a burst of 'Rule Britannia' on the soundtrack. 

From 1974's The Questor Tapes, a Gene Rodenberry production about a super-advanced android and his search for meaning in an incomprehensible world. To his credit, he finds his purpose in about three days, which is 21,013 days ahead of where I am in life - and counting.

EVERYDAY ELECTRONICS

017: Telephone Remote Monitor