TARKAN, MY PIGEONS HAVE COME TO RESCUE US!

 

The first Tarkan stories appeared in 1967 in a daily strip in the popular Turkish newspaper Hürriyet.

By 1973, there was a weekly full colour comic published across Europe, including in the UK, where it cost 3p. The comic (presumably aimed at adults rather than kids, as it can get slightly racy) ran for at least 25 issues, and. God help me, I have the first 10. 

Issue 3 (pictured) has Tarkan and his hairy mate Mario being crucified by the Romans for being better at fighting than them. Don't be concerned, though, Mario is known as 'The Birdman' and hundreds of his trained pigeons are about to swoop down and cause chaos. In the confusion, our heroes will be set free, and there will be more scrapping, presumably in a city square that is now now slick with bird shit.

HOW DID YOU GUESS?

 

From Tarkan: Sword Of Mars (1969), an early entry from a series of preposterous but enjoyable Turkish historical adventures featuring an invincible and beautifully coiffured Hun warrior.

HUM GENTLY AND HIDE COOL MIND IN MY BACK

 

From Big Magnum, Kuroiwa Sensei, d. Kazuhiko Yamaguchi (1985)

Big Magnum, Kuroiwa Sensei has all of the subtlety of a big budget episode of Rentaghost starring Cannon and Ball. A big talking teacher in a cowboy hat tries to bring order to an unruly school with a 44 Magnum, although he turns out to be a snivelling coward who wears a nappy. Later on, the mantle is taken up by a weedy bespectacled guy who, after extreme provocation, becomes a leather clad vigilante super hero. After triumphing in a big Western type fight that has elements of Mad Max, he flies off in a private plane to tame another school. It's all based on a very popular Manga series, so it must make sense to someone.

Anyway, when the insufferable 'kids' of the school aren't causing mayhem in class, they are at a local nightclub, body popping and breakdancing to a bland and boring new wave J-pop disco band where most of the members wear WW2 German uniforms. 

WHATEVS...

 

An idle and slightly redundant threat from the 1968 Captain Scarlet annual. I mean, what does 'World Peace' even look like? It's not something anyone alive is actually familiar with. The how-d'you-do with The Mysterons takes place in 2068, by the way, so even with a superhuman effort it's hard to imagine that we'll have sorted things out by then.

I've always loved this show, which is one of the most nihilistic and violent programmes of all time, which is not what you might expect from something with puppets. 

HEAVY MACHINERY

 

Thirty years after the publication of Theodore Sturgeon's original story, 1974 was a mad time for the Killdozer franchise, with an ABC TV-Movie of the week in February, and a Marvel tie in comic in April. To be fair, it's been pretty quiet on the Killdozer front since then, but I live in hope of a revival.

To set the scene: a rough-hewn set of construction workers are put on a deserted island to construct a runway. Their bulldozer becomes possessed by an alien intelligence, and goes on a kill crazy rampage. It gets very messy very quickly, and there is a lot of squishing.

My brother used to be a digger driver, he says stuff like this happens more often than you'd think.

WARREN, MY EYES!

 

Just look at the state of that interior design, it's worse than the Overlook Hotel. No wonder everyone had a permanent migraine in the 1970s.

This is from Chandler, a not in itself very interesting neo noir movie from 1971. It does, however. star the superb Warren Oates, so is well worth watching once, just don't expect to pick up any usable DIY ideas.

ABANDONMENT ISSUES

'You abandoned me, love don't live here anymore' 

Rose Royce are an American soul and R & B group formed in 1973, who achieved considerable success between 1976 and 1979, particularly in the UK.

The band are perhaps best known for their song 'Car Wash', the title song from a hugely successful comedy film starring Richard Pryor. It remains a popular track, being catchy, up-tempo, memorable and relatable: who doesn't know of a groovy car wash where the staff work hard and you might get the chance to meet a movie star or even an Indian Chief?

But Rose Royce's best work isn't about the joys of private enterprise and getting along, in fact, it isn't about happiness and togetherness at all. The band's greatest songs are about heartbreak, loss, loneliness and uncertainty. The incredible 'Wishing On A Star' is an ethereal ballad made of desperate longing. It's about somebody trying to will a reunion with a lost loved one who is now so hopelessly removed - physically, mentally, emotionally - that they are unimaginably distant. All practical means of reconciliation exhausted, only magical thinking and superstition remains.  

Even greater, in my opinion, is 'Love Don't Live Here Anymore', a song so good that even Jimmy Nail couldn't completely mess it up. Written by Miles Gregory during a period of drug induced bad health, it is an exquisite work of high drama that, nevertheless, portrays a very small, very human tragedy. The resounding feeling is one of desolation, of loneliness, a one act play in which the home, that all important refuge, is reduced to an empty shell and the heart, that desperate organ, continues to function but is left without purpose.

The singer, Gwen Dickey (who used the name Rose Norwalt while in the band) gives a flawless performance, and makes every single word count. You can imagine her sat at the dining room table, her head in her hands, half a person in the hellish vacuum that used to be a happy home. Drawn curtains, a dripping tap, an uneaten meal, cold sheets and only memories, regrets and unanswered questions for company.

The arrangement on the record is phenomenal, sweeping seamlessly from one section to another, synths and strings combining to evoke a world of pain. Weirdly, a Pollard Syndrum punctuates the action. Usually a jolly, even comical, instrument, here it sounds ineffably sad, like a signal beamed out into an empty or unreceptive universe, a desperate SOS.   

The lyrics, for me, pivot around two killer lines. The first is quoted at the top of this entry. There is no part of 'abandoned' that is ambiguous. This vacancy is permanent. The second is 'Why did you have to go away? Don't you know I miss you so and need your love?' This gets me every time, and it stings because it is a crystal clear, almost childlike expression of abject loss summarised in two simple questions that, like the Syndrum pulse into space, will go answered.

'Love Don't Live Here Anymore' was the band's last big hit (although, astonishingly, it didn't even crack the Top 30 in their native country). They released more records, including the superb 'If It's Love You're After' (a banging disco psychodrama about uncertainty and disparity between lovers), but their audience waned, almost certainly emotionally exhausted by the unforgettable melancholy brilliance of their most indelible recording.  

A LOAD OF OLD BULLETS

I've just watched the 1988 Gary Busey action thriller Bulletproof. Busey plays McBain, a secret agent turned maverick cop. It starts with him breaking up an illegal arms deal. Villain Danny Trejo shouts 'Who the fuck are you?' and McBain shouts back 'I'm your worst nightmare, butthorn!'. Trejo dies in a ball of flame when McBain throws a grenade into the back of the ice cream van the baddies are using as a getaway vehicle.

McBain gets shot in the shoulder during the raid but refuses medical attention, instead going home where a beautiful lady is waiting for him in a bubble bath. He takes a swig of whiskey, then pulls out the bullet with a pair of forceps. He washes the extracted slug and drops it in a jar that has between 10 and 15 other old bullets in it. He then makes love to the beautiful lady and afterwards she says 'You may be bulletproof, McBain, but you're certainly not love-proof'. Oh, and later on there's a flashback where he's playing a sax solo on a beach.

That's all I have to say, really, I just wanted to tell someone.

INSPIRATIONAL SUBTITLE

 

If only it were true...even just a little bit.

TOOLED UP

 

From The How & Why Wonder Book of Arms & Armour (1977).