FROM A VAST AND DISTANT GALAXY...

 

Starcrash, d. Luigi Cozzi (1978)

Often described as a shameless Star Wars rip off, Starcrash was actually developed prior to the global success of George Lucas' movie, although, during production, some obvious references to the phenomenon were added to trivial but often amusing effect.

In fact, Cozzi's space opera has more in common with Jason Of The Argonauts cinematically, and is very much indebted to the Italian fumeti tradition. A rip-roaring adventure across time and space, Starcrash has an excellent cast (Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner, Joe Spinnell and Christopher Plummer) AND David Hasselhoff.

Full of flashing lights and optical effects (always a favourite), Starcrash is not by any means a great film but it is a supremely entertaining one, made with imagination and brio, low in budget but high in ambition. I am slightly obsessed with it.

POSTSCRIPT: I was in Rome last month, a city my wife and I visit as often as we can. During the trip I was able to visit Profondo Rosso, a small shop in the Parti region of the city. It was set up by the director of Starcrash, Luigi Cozzi, and his pal, Dario Argento. For five Euros, you can visit a small museum of in the basement that has props from some of Argento's movies. If you like that sort of thing, it's well worth the investment (I was overjoyed). Later that afternoon, still buzzing with excitement, it belatedly occurred to me that the pleasant man behind the counter was Luigi Cozzi. I don't have many regrets in life, but I wish I'd realised in time to shake his hand and say grazie mille for Starcrash. Hopefully, I'll get to do it next year.

COMING SOON...STARCRASH!

 

BOOM!

The Mad Bomber, d. Bert I. Gordon (1973)

I couldn't resist watching the final explosive sequence of this sleazy exploitation thriller very slowly indeed and, lo and behold, at the climax Chuck Connors is replaced by a decent but obvious dummy that wouldn't have been noticed at normal speed or, indeed, by anyone normal.

CAVES AND KARST - AND A QUESTION

I'm re-doing the spare room, and keep finding stuff. A karst, by the way, is a terrain characterised by barren and rocky land in which caves, caverns, sinkholes and underground rivers appear. I have a question: are there two sports that are as fundamentally aligned in terms of skills, but diametrically opposed in terms of objective as climbing and caving / potholing?*

*I refuse to call it spelunking, as I am not called Chad, Brad or Chip. 

EASY AS 1-2-3

 

RIGHT GRIER, RIGHT NOW

The amazing Pam Grier spent her onscreen career being treated appallingly, then getting revenge. In Fort Apache, The Bronx (1981) she has a brief but pivotal role as a drug addicted prostitute who, unable to take any more shit, goes on a killing spree. Spree makes it sound tres jolie: it isn't, and it doesn't do Pam any good, either, as she, in turn, is killed shortly afterwards, her body fly-tipped on one of the Bronx's numerous building sites.

In a few key scenes, Pam conveys the abject misery and hopelessness of life on the street, and the overload of mental anguish that has led her to murder. It seems obvious to say that her character deserves better, almost everybody in this rather depressing film does.

AN IRONIC SORT OF END

Enter The Ninja (1981) is actually a decent enough movie, especially when you consider the appalling quality of the majority of films of this type. Franco Nero is a slightly leftfield but ultimately rather good choice as the Western Ninja Warrior, but the addition of Christopher George as the main villain is a masterstroke. 

George's Charles Venarius is a multi-millionaire playboy who lives in a penthouse with a harem of beautiful, adoring women he is training to be a synchronised swimming team. Venarius is flamboyant, camp, spoiled, petulant, ruthless and totally incredulous that his numerous minions can't seem to do anything right, including dispose of one lousy Ninja. 

When Venarius finally meets his end, at the sharp points of Franco Nero's throwing star, he meets it wryly, simultaneously amused and amazed that anything as vulgar and ordinary as death could touch someone as wonderful as he believes himself to be. 

EASIER READ THAN DONE

 

From 'How To Make Dinosaurs' by Eve Barwell (Studio Vista, 1974).

GAPPA GAPPA HEY

 

In Gappa (1967), a scientific expedition goes to a remote tropical island in order to assess its value as a holiday resort. While there, they find a massive egg in a cave. When what they think is a previously unknown lizard hatches out of it, they take the baby creature back to Japan for study. 

The stolen infant's parents (actually more bird than lizard, and with the ability to breathe out blue fire) are understandably furious, and fly to Tokyo to regain custody. What follows is brutal, costly (the Gappa seemingly destroy half of the Japanese air force) and totally deserved, and although there is time for a happy ending, it's a close run thing. The moral of the story: don't nick other people / animals / species kids. It's astonishing how obvious that is, of course, but we're talking about humans. so it still needs saying.

DNANGER!

 

From 2020: Texas Gladiators, a post-apocalyptic science film made in 1983. It's easy to scoff at this obvious spelling mistake, but if English is your first language, try writing 'explosives' in Italian without Googling it first*.

* It's 'esplozivo'.