A SCENARIO FOR A ROBOT PLAY

THEY CAME FROM THE SUN

Written and performed by twelve‑ and thirteen‑year‑olds at The Stationers’ Company’s School*

One day a red glow was seen by an Astronomer flying past a lighthouse.

The Astronomer’s name was Brian Gromley. He telephoned the police and waited until they arrived. It was about 10 minutes before the police came.

Immediately Mr Gromley showed them on a map where he had seen IT land. They went to the spot where IT had landed, with dogs and ammunition. The police officer who was in charge was called PC Maguba. He said: “Be careful men – this craft may be dangerous.”

One police officer approached the craft too close and suddenly a red line hit him. All the others couldn’t bear to look as the policeman disintegrated into red dust.

The officer in charge said: “Get back men, this is a job for the Army.” So he walked up to the car and called the Army.

It was about one hour before the Army arrived with tanks and machine guns and about 1,000 men.

Then, suddenly the doors of the spacecraft opened. Out of it came three robots. One by one they positioned themselves around the spacecraft as if they were guarding it. Then, one of the soldiers thought that the robots were going to attack them so he shot at one of them but the bullet just rebounded off the robot. At this point the robots fired at every soldier that could be seen and there and then they all disintegrated into red dust. Then suddenly one of the robots said: “We do not want to harm you, and we only attack when somebody shoots at us!”

They started to walk in the direction of the town. The officer said: “Where are you going?”, and the robot replied: “We are going to the SPECIAL WAR ARTILLERY DEPARTMENT.” When they arrived they began to steal the artillery and nobody could do anything about it.

More robots came over the hill and destroyed them. But nobody knew where they came from. Then they disappeared into thin air and nobody saw them again.

The Astronomer said it would probably be about 100,000 years before they would return.

* A comprehensive school in Hornsey, North London, with 1220 pupils and 80 teachers. The project was carried out by a student at the Institute of Education of the London University, Tim Brown.

The children were photographed, making the costumes and performing the play, by Brian Shuel, London.

From Robots: Fact, Fiction + Prediction (Jasia Reichardt, 1978)

O, CAROLINE 1

 

More Starcrash. These artfully decaying shots are taken from a pre-production Special Effects reel created by Armando Valcauda. As a six year old coming home from school, I saw Caroline Munro on an advertising hoarding promoting Lambs Navy Rum, and the sight of her gave me tummy ache. When I told my wife this, many years later, she paraphrased Woody Allen in her exasperated response: 'for God's sake, Paul, even Freud speaks of a latency period'.

FROM A VAST AND DISTANT GALAXY...

 

Starcrash, d. Luigi Cozzi (1978)

Often described as a shameless Star Wars rip off, Starcrash was actually developed prior to the global success of George Lucas' movie, although, during production, some obvious references to the phenomenon were added to trivial but often amusing effect.

In fact, Cozzi's space opera has more in common with Jason Of The Argonauts cinematically, and is very much indebted to the Italian fumeti tradition. A rip-roaring adventure across time and space, Starcrash has an excellent cast (Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner, Joe Spinnell and Christopher Plummer) AND David Hasselhoff.

Full of flashing lights and optical effects (always a favourite), Starcrash is not by any means a great film but it is a supremely entertaining one, made with imagination and brio, low in budget but high in ambition. 

I was in Rome last month, a city my wife and I visit as often as we can. During the trip I was able to get to Profondo Rosso, a small shop in the Parti region of the city. It was set up by the director of Starcrash, Luigi Cozzi, and his pal, Dario Argento. For five Euros, you can visit a small museum in the basement that has props from some of Argento's movies. If you like that sort of thing, it's well worth the investment (I was overjoyed). Later that afternoon, still buzzing with excitement, it belatedly occurred to me that the pleasant man behind the counter was Luigi Cozzi. I don't have many regrets in life, but I wish I'd realised in time to shake his hand and say grazie mille for Starcrash. Hopefully, I'll get to do it next year.

COMING SOON...STARCRASH!

 

FAIR WARNING

From Planet Of The Female Invaders (1966), a Mexican film in which stunningly beautiful space women come to Earth to kidnap some fat, jug-eared blokes in order to further the plan to quit their own planet, which is bathed in burning daylight all the time. None of it makes much sense, but it's hugely entertaining, which is very much a win, or la victoria, as they say en Espanol.

HEAVY MACHINERY

 

Thirty years after the publication of Theodore Sturgeon's original story, 1974 was a mad time for the Killdozer franchise, with an ABC TV-Movie of the week in February, and a Marvel tie in comic in April. To be fair, it's been pretty quiet on the Killdozer front since then, but I live in hope of a revival.

To set the scene: a rough-hewn set of construction workers are put on a deserted island to construct a runway. Their bulldozer becomes possessed by an alien intelligence, and goes on a kill crazy rampage. It gets very messy very quickly, and there is a lot of squishing.

My brother used to be a digger driver, he says stuff like this happens more often than you'd think.

BRING HOME THE MOTHERLODE, BARRY

 

Beyond The Black Rainbow, d. Panos Cosmatos (2010)

In 1983, a young mute woman with uncanny abilities is held prisoner within the sterile and dehumanising Arboria Institute. Her captor is Dr Barry Nile, a sinister, wig wearing pseudo-scientist. He becomes increasingly obsessed with her and, when she escapes, he loses his mind completely during the pursuit.

The first film of a major new talent, this may lack the preposterous imagination and violent energy of Mandy (perhaps my favourite film of the 21st century - so far), but it is an important introduction to the strange new / old world of director / writer Panos Cosmatos: a place where time and space are malleable (Black Rainbow is set in 1983, but it could be 1969 or 2001 or 2120); a place where hallucinogenic drugs are mandatory even though they are not necessary; a place where science fiction and horror and fantasy gleefully collide into each other, and cosmic sparks fly on impact. 

I absolutely love this guy, so much so that I'm not even frustrated by the paucity of his output (just two films and a 56 minute TV episode in 15 years): the quality of his work is so extraordinarily high I'm just waiting to see what he does next.

THREE (MORE) SHOTS

 

A brief (final) press of the Return button for Ghost In The Machine. Yes, that's Karen Allen.

PC GONE MAD

Ghost In The Machine, d. Rachel Talalay (1993) 

Have you ever wondered what might happen if, at the point of his own death, a serial killer was absorbed into a powerful computer network and then continued his murderous career using microwave ovens, hand driers, dish washers and ATM machines? No, me neither, or no yo tampoco, as they say in Spanish. 

The main issue with this film is that it is just so creaky and stilted, with the actors clearly being unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the 'state of the art' (see above) effects they were supposed to be reacting and responding to*. Nowadays, of course, movies use CGI for even mundane things, so actors have got much  better at this sort of pretending. 

Ghost In The Machine cost $12m, made less than half of its budget back and would have been pretty much completely out of date before the credits finished rolling. Oh, well, mas que nada, as they say in Portugese.

* The dialogue is also awful, and the lead kid is annoying.

THE TIME TO DIE

         

Le Temps De Mourir, d. Andre Farwagi (1970)

This is a film all about time, but which, unlike most other films and TV shows, manages to respect it and use it in a responsible, adult manner. Here time is not plastic, mouldable, malleable, flexible, but inexorable, inevitable, inescapable. Time is a bastard, ladies and gentlemen, cross it at your peril.  

A time-warped whodunnit, the film begins with a collision between a horse, a beautiful girl and a metal tree which leads to a reel of futuristic video tape rolling down a hill and into the path of a sleeping man. The man and his colleague watch the film, only to find it is surveilance camera footage of their Boss being shot to death by an unknown, but (crucially) not unseen, assailant.

The Boss, however, is not dead: he is alive, well, and bullet hole free. He rapidly becomes obsessed with finding out what it all means: is it a fake, a prank, a collective hallucination, or a vision of the future? Is it already written, or can it be revised? Will intervention stop it, or hasten it? 

Everything about this film is cool: it reminds me of hip, controlled jazz - no squawking sax or atonal key pounding (I'm not averse to that, by the way, but this film is a masterpiece of restraint) - just a smooth, irresistible, intelligent groove - a head nodder, a finger clicker. It's all beautifully enigmatic, and just about makes sense if you mentally squint really hard.

YOU'RE FADING IN AND OUT III

Julie Christie flits between dimensional barriers in the underrated Memoirs Of A Survivor, a 1981 film based on Doris Lessing's dystopian sci fi novel.

CARD TREK

Star Trek Primrose Confectionery Cards, 1971.